want.

it's been awhile but this will be short.

i feel dissatisfaction with parts of my life. i know my life is wonderful and i'm thankful for everything and everyone in it. i ask myself what i want and i don't know. i have absolutely no idea what i want because i have no idea what i need. maybe i already have everything i need. but nothing i want.

contentment is funny. it's fickle and short-lived. when you get something you want, you don't want it anymore. it's almost as if i live my life meaning to do a lot of things but never going through with it.

i don't feel sad. i don't feel happy. i'm not angry or hurt or lonely. i don't feel anything. which is what i find most odd.

that's all.

content.

good evening.

so, this is going to be a happy blog post. i think one of the first of its kind. i usually blog when i'm sad, but i've been in a good mood for about 5 days now so i think i'll take advantage of it.

(on a side note, i finally got the idea to type Disney into Pandora. it's just brilliant)

basically what i want to blog about tonight is why i feel happy. i spent last weekend home alone in my apartment and it was absolutely wonderful. the quiet, the relaxation, the endless hours of watching episodes of Avatar....

but i also kind of decided on something. i usually feel pretty down over the fact that i'm single. and everyone just says, "oh you'll meet someone. you're in college. that's what people do in college." but here's the kicker: the kind of people that i'm looking for are not here in college. i know not all college girls are "drunken whores" (quote Whitney) but that fact aside, most of the girls here are not looking for the same sort of serious nature in a relationship that i am looking for. they're here to have fun and learn and all that. and that's why i'm here, too. a relationship is a perk in college, not a necessity.

also, i know what kind of person i am. i'm kind, good-natured, caring, smart, ambitious, and mature. i'm also not the prototype college male. and i'm not what most college girls look for. the people that surround me here are not looking for me. maybe in a few years i'll be what they want. but the nice guy finishes last because the girl doesn't need the nice guy early in her life. she needs him later when she needs security and trust and love.

being single is not a crime against nature. being single in college is actually healthy in my opinion. high school is for the silly relationships that you can have just to say you had them. they mean things and will be factors in your development, but the real relationships occur for the adult. i'm not exactly surrounded by mature adults here at school. college is meant for creating and understanding who you are. how can you offer yourself to someone for a lifetime when you don't know who you are offering?

this is a tough thing to be content with, knowing you aren't what people are looking for. but that doesn't mean no one will ever look for you. until then you have to come to terms with being strong for yourself. no single person was made without all of the tools to make themselves happy. sure, they may lack some skills with these certain tools, but they aren't completely inept.

my favorite Shakespeare quote ever is as follows:

"to thine own self be true,
and it must follow,
as the night the day,
though canst not then be false to any man."


be you. be strong. be happy. life is so much more enjoyable when you are enjoyable. i  hope this can be an inspiration. goodnight, my friends.

judgment.

hey there.

so, blogging is so much harder when you have nothing to blog about. and i know this may seem simple and obvious, but in all actuality, most people don't actually have things to blog about. not serious things anyway. so i figure my posts mean more when they're serious and sporadic. predictably unpredictable.

onto tonight's topic: judgment. and this is one i really wish for opinions on because it is a tough concept that i struggle with.

i definitely judge people. i have an innate need to evaluate and speak my opinions. chances are that if i do not like something, then i tend to make it known. but is that healthy? i'm not entirely sure. social psychology shows us that having judgments and preconceptions is evolutionary and helps us adapt to situations. implicit judgments are made quickly without much thought and can be awfully beneficial. but sometimes this is not the case.

i have friends i judge a lot. i observe their behaviors and how they act and decide whether i like them or not. now, not a single one of my friends is perfect. and i'm not either. but to me they are making mistakes. but are they only mistakes because i see them that way? because they're mistakes from my point-of-view?

i used to have a really good friend that i cared a lot about. we had dated before and still were nice and friendly and all that. but then her lifestyle went a different way and i didn't approve. her attitudes about people and herself changed from when we first met and i started to resent her. i didn't like how she was living her life and i didn't like that she wasn't the same person. so i stopped talking to her. i don't speak to her and i no longer even acknowledge her presence. but every time this happens, i feel bad for it. i ask myself if i need to be this harsh. is it right to judge people like this? especially at this age, people do a lot things just to do them. people try new things and showcase their freedom. can i hate her for this? but then how can i sit and let myself be around people who's lives are lived against my own standards? where do i draw the line between being understanding and tolerant of mistakes and being weak and lax in my own morals? am i really caring about them if i let them continue?

my friends, this is a tough topic. i'm assuming the healthy option is somewhere in the middle. but i know people who share my views exist and wonder whether or not i could save myself stress by having other friends instead.

i do not want to be known for excommunicating friends who i don't agree with. but friends who make poor decisions and don't see the consequences...i'm not sure how long i could sit by and watch them hurt themselves. but then again, i know it's their life. i can't exactly tell anyone what to do. nor can i be that guy that always tells people they're wrong.

i'm at a loss on this one, folks. maybe you'll have some ideas. goodnight all.

maturation.

a bunch of thoughts came to me all throughout today and especially as i was leaving a callout. so, i figured since it's been some time and i probably won't survive not throwing my opinion around, i created this. voila. a new blog post.

in less then a month, i will have reached the age of 20. no more teens, no more stressing over teenage pregnancy, i will be a full-fledged man-child. which in all honesty makes you think. you look back on your childhood, your decisions, your mistakes. and it leaves you wondering what kind of person you have become and where you will be in the future.

well firstly, i know exactly what kind of person i am. i know what i value: honesty, loyalty, optimism, etc. i also know that deep down i have some faults. i'm a worrier, i tend to wear facades of arrogance in situations, i'm indecisive about my feelings. but regardless of how many times i make mistakes, i know the difference between right and wrong. that is what i was taught. i'm not entirely sure whether or not it's beneficial that i am this mature at this age, but so far it seems to be a positive.

which brings me to one of my points. i find people today, all people of all ages, to be so much less mature than they ought to be. i find people doing so many stupid things that just irritate me and leave me completely hopeless for them and every one they encounter. and it's not just college kids who like to draw penises on cars covered with snow. it's high schoolers and adults, and it's not only ridiculous, it's scary. the kid that shouts obscenities for the amusement of a few idiot friends is the symbol of the future. i feel so old saying this but i cannot help but feel it's true. there is not respect let in anyone. America stands for a country that encourages individualism; be your own person and we won't judge you. but when did individualistic become selfish? when did "being yourself" become "being the only one that matters?" the answers to these questions are ones that i do not know.

maybe life isn't as bad as it seems. maybe it is. all i know is that a world in which teenagers no older than 17 can run rampant through the city doing whatever they please as spoiled and selfish brats is a bad one. it would appear that the immature epidemic is not only affecting the children, but also the parents. but then people are becoming parents at younger and younger ages. they are still essentially children. the cycle continues and more ignorant, immature lives are lived, teaching others their demented views of reality.

there is only so much a blog post can do. but my views aren't exactly rare. just not so-often voiced.

goodnight and good luck.