want.

it's been awhile but this will be short.

i feel dissatisfaction with parts of my life. i know my life is wonderful and i'm thankful for everything and everyone in it. i ask myself what i want and i don't know. i have absolutely no idea what i want because i have no idea what i need. maybe i already have everything i need. but nothing i want.

contentment is funny. it's fickle and short-lived. when you get something you want, you don't want it anymore. it's almost as if i live my life meaning to do a lot of things but never going through with it.

i don't feel sad. i don't feel happy. i'm not angry or hurt or lonely. i don't feel anything. which is what i find most odd.

that's all.

content.

good evening.

so, this is going to be a happy blog post. i think one of the first of its kind. i usually blog when i'm sad, but i've been in a good mood for about 5 days now so i think i'll take advantage of it.

(on a side note, i finally got the idea to type Disney into Pandora. it's just brilliant)

basically what i want to blog about tonight is why i feel happy. i spent last weekend home alone in my apartment and it was absolutely wonderful. the quiet, the relaxation, the endless hours of watching episodes of Avatar....

but i also kind of decided on something. i usually feel pretty down over the fact that i'm single. and everyone just says, "oh you'll meet someone. you're in college. that's what people do in college." but here's the kicker: the kind of people that i'm looking for are not here in college. i know not all college girls are "drunken whores" (quote Whitney) but that fact aside, most of the girls here are not looking for the same sort of serious nature in a relationship that i am looking for. they're here to have fun and learn and all that. and that's why i'm here, too. a relationship is a perk in college, not a necessity.

also, i know what kind of person i am. i'm kind, good-natured, caring, smart, ambitious, and mature. i'm also not the prototype college male. and i'm not what most college girls look for. the people that surround me here are not looking for me. maybe in a few years i'll be what they want. but the nice guy finishes last because the girl doesn't need the nice guy early in her life. she needs him later when she needs security and trust and love.

being single is not a crime against nature. being single in college is actually healthy in my opinion. high school is for the silly relationships that you can have just to say you had them. they mean things and will be factors in your development, but the real relationships occur for the adult. i'm not exactly surrounded by mature adults here at school. college is meant for creating and understanding who you are. how can you offer yourself to someone for a lifetime when you don't know who you are offering?

this is a tough thing to be content with, knowing you aren't what people are looking for. but that doesn't mean no one will ever look for you. until then you have to come to terms with being strong for yourself. no single person was made without all of the tools to make themselves happy. sure, they may lack some skills with these certain tools, but they aren't completely inept.

my favorite Shakespeare quote ever is as follows:

"to thine own self be true,
and it must follow,
as the night the day,
though canst not then be false to any man."


be you. be strong. be happy. life is so much more enjoyable when you are enjoyable. i  hope this can be an inspiration. goodnight, my friends.

judgment.

hey there.

so, blogging is so much harder when you have nothing to blog about. and i know this may seem simple and obvious, but in all actuality, most people don't actually have things to blog about. not serious things anyway. so i figure my posts mean more when they're serious and sporadic. predictably unpredictable.

onto tonight's topic: judgment. and this is one i really wish for opinions on because it is a tough concept that i struggle with.

i definitely judge people. i have an innate need to evaluate and speak my opinions. chances are that if i do not like something, then i tend to make it known. but is that healthy? i'm not entirely sure. social psychology shows us that having judgments and preconceptions is evolutionary and helps us adapt to situations. implicit judgments are made quickly without much thought and can be awfully beneficial. but sometimes this is not the case.

i have friends i judge a lot. i observe their behaviors and how they act and decide whether i like them or not. now, not a single one of my friends is perfect. and i'm not either. but to me they are making mistakes. but are they only mistakes because i see them that way? because they're mistakes from my point-of-view?

i used to have a really good friend that i cared a lot about. we had dated before and still were nice and friendly and all that. but then her lifestyle went a different way and i didn't approve. her attitudes about people and herself changed from when we first met and i started to resent her. i didn't like how she was living her life and i didn't like that she wasn't the same person. so i stopped talking to her. i don't speak to her and i no longer even acknowledge her presence. but every time this happens, i feel bad for it. i ask myself if i need to be this harsh. is it right to judge people like this? especially at this age, people do a lot things just to do them. people try new things and showcase their freedom. can i hate her for this? but then how can i sit and let myself be around people who's lives are lived against my own standards? where do i draw the line between being understanding and tolerant of mistakes and being weak and lax in my own morals? am i really caring about them if i let them continue?

my friends, this is a tough topic. i'm assuming the healthy option is somewhere in the middle. but i know people who share my views exist and wonder whether or not i could save myself stress by having other friends instead.

i do not want to be known for excommunicating friends who i don't agree with. but friends who make poor decisions and don't see the consequences...i'm not sure how long i could sit by and watch them hurt themselves. but then again, i know it's their life. i can't exactly tell anyone what to do. nor can i be that guy that always tells people they're wrong.

i'm at a loss on this one, folks. maybe you'll have some ideas. goodnight all.

maturation.

a bunch of thoughts came to me all throughout today and especially as i was leaving a callout. so, i figured since it's been some time and i probably won't survive not throwing my opinion around, i created this. voila. a new blog post.

in less then a month, i will have reached the age of 20. no more teens, no more stressing over teenage pregnancy, i will be a full-fledged man-child. which in all honesty makes you think. you look back on your childhood, your decisions, your mistakes. and it leaves you wondering what kind of person you have become and where you will be in the future.

well firstly, i know exactly what kind of person i am. i know what i value: honesty, loyalty, optimism, etc. i also know that deep down i have some faults. i'm a worrier, i tend to wear facades of arrogance in situations, i'm indecisive about my feelings. but regardless of how many times i make mistakes, i know the difference between right and wrong. that is what i was taught. i'm not entirely sure whether or not it's beneficial that i am this mature at this age, but so far it seems to be a positive.

which brings me to one of my points. i find people today, all people of all ages, to be so much less mature than they ought to be. i find people doing so many stupid things that just irritate me and leave me completely hopeless for them and every one they encounter. and it's not just college kids who like to draw penises on cars covered with snow. it's high schoolers and adults, and it's not only ridiculous, it's scary. the kid that shouts obscenities for the amusement of a few idiot friends is the symbol of the future. i feel so old saying this but i cannot help but feel it's true. there is not respect let in anyone. America stands for a country that encourages individualism; be your own person and we won't judge you. but when did individualistic become selfish? when did "being yourself" become "being the only one that matters?" the answers to these questions are ones that i do not know.

maybe life isn't as bad as it seems. maybe it is. all i know is that a world in which teenagers no older than 17 can run rampant through the city doing whatever they please as spoiled and selfish brats is a bad one. it would appear that the immature epidemic is not only affecting the children, but also the parents. but then people are becoming parents at younger and younger ages. they are still essentially children. the cycle continues and more ignorant, immature lives are lived, teaching others their demented views of reality.

there is only so much a blog post can do. but my views aren't exactly rare. just not so-often voiced.

goodnight and good luck.

an obsession.

i suddenly realized the other day that i might just be obsessed with love.

when i think of my future, one of the things i always picture is a perfect family. people who know me well understand that my parents divorced really early in my life. and while i do not hold any grudge against my parents, i was without a the stereotypical family for a long time. i lived with my mom and she work extremely hard to make sure we had every single thing we needed. i cannot express my level of gratitude and love for my mom. and i still feel terrible for the times that i was a bad kid. my dad was there in a different way, but nonetheless important. they taught me different things and for them to raise their kids to be who they are in the given situation is nothing short of amazing.

still, i missed out on a lot: family vacations, time spent with each parent, etc. so i feel like i need to have all that when i'm the parent to make for it. which is where i find my obsession. i want to find love so badly so i can not only have that one person i belong with, but also so we can raise a family in the way i didn't get to experience.

i listen to a lot of Ben Folds songs (and will be attending a concert this Saturday) and a few of his songs have messages about love, but in a way that scares me. in "kylie from connecticut," he sings of a woman who is married with kids but will always deeply love someone else. she still has his phone number and letters and pictures and calls him. in "the luckiest," he wonders if two people who are meant to be were born many years apart and live down the street from each other would know they are soul-mates across time. in "from above," two people go throughout their lives for years always missing each other. it's not as if they are unhappy, they just feel as if something is wrong.

anyone of these situations would completely devastate me. but it's not like i would know they were happening. i fear that the love i want won't happen. i fear that the whole situation will be out of my control. i fear that i will make a mistake and ruin everything.

someone brought up an interesting point to me the other day: maybe things work if you do them the right way. and as obvious as that sounds, i do know that people tend to be impatient people and want things a lot faster than they are sometimes allowed. maybe that's my lesson in all of this. taking the correct steps will lead me to the love i want. i have tried so many other ways to be happy and maybe it just depends on the steps you take. maybe that's the way a lot of things work...

goodnight, world.

[500] days of nothing.

this post may be happy. it may not. i'm up in the air about it right now.

first, just so everyone knows, Purdue is still wonderful. it is not that the campus has changed in any way. i still see the same things i once loved, but i suppose i just see them differently. my first and foremost priority here at school is to get an education (which is why i didn't choose IU). but there were other reasons i wanted to come back. i missed friends and i missed my organization. it just seems now i have neither of those things to look forward to. sure, i'm in Rocky Horror again, but there's only so much that wobbling around in platform heels can do to make a person feel fulfilled.

i supposed fulfilled is the word du jour. i don't feel like anything i have is enough for me. i have few friends here. true ones, that is. and now come to think of it, i don't know if i even have a best friend (strike that, i do. my brother is my best friend. but he isn't exactly here). i used to see people every day and kept up with their lives and they kept up with mine. they worried when i didn't show up to class when i usually do and all of that. but i can honestly sit through most of my classes and not say a word. who am i to talk to? the empty seat next to me? the girl who hates me because i told her Green Bay was gonna trash New England when they play?

i choose the title of this blog in particular because of my incredible lack of a girlfriend. again, i understand the silliness of such thoughts, but come on, even super-independent adults think about what it would be like to have someone. and i wonder too. i don't envy couple i see for having happiness. which i think is a big difference between me and other hopeless romantic individuals. i'm glad they have happiness because most of them probably deserve it. they work hard at being wonderful, attractive, friendly people (of course, sometimes they are definitely not any of these things and still manage, but that's a select few). so i don't exactly have the bitterness a lot of single people have. i don't like i'm entitled to a relationship because everyone has one. that's childish thought. i do think that i present myself in a way that should warrant a relationship. sure, we can't all be my brother, but we must play the cards we are dealt. i see relationships as happiness and happiness is something i struggle with a lot. i wish i meant more to people.

i fear i may be entirely too judgmental of my friends. they are flawed, true. but so am i. they accept me but i sort of try to change them? i don't know if that's the best wording. i do try to make them better people. i want them to be optimistic and morally sound and caring and overly considerate. a lot of them are this way, i suppose. i also know that i could change a few things about myself, too. but it's a whole lot easier taking someone else's constructive criticism than your own.

well, that's kind of all i got right now. which is a lot of what's been bugging me lately and such. and even though a lot of this is me complaining that i don't have certain things, i do recognize the things i have. and these people i keep in contact with and they know i would do anything for them.

bon nuit.

i'm not quite finished.

i've been back at good ol' Purdue for three days.

and i already have a new motto: "I'm not quite finished."

four simple words full of meaning that i have taken to represent my life. what happens when one cookie isn't quite satisfying? you get another. what happens when you do something that makes you happy? you keep doing it. what happens when life beats you down to pure depression? you tell life where to stick it.

the purpose of this motto, this goal is to remind me of not only how i need to view hardships, but also how i need to view blessings. i spent a good portion of my summer not necessarily happy. i missed people and i wanted people to miss me. it wasn't until school was only two weeks away that i finally started to realize that i have so much more left. more life, more experiences, more happiness. things didn't go my way. i'm not gonna act like a two year old and mope because i lost something. if i wasn't able to have it, then it probably wasn't worth having. there's always a bigger fish, there's always something better.

as i was visiting a friend on my first night back, we talked about the experiences in which i have put my personal feelings aside to help people. especially when it comes to a dating situation. she praised my ability to do so and said she would have a hard time doing that herself. and that lead me to thinking...why do i do that? it's not beneficial for me. oh wait. that's right. i care about helping people. i'm damn good at it. i'm trustworthy and i've been through so much that i know what is important and i'm sincere. i'm not finished helping people. i'm going to make a life out of it and that's what makes me happy.

at the ripe age of 19 years and 5 months, i had developed a sense of bitterness that someone shouldn't have at that age. i hated my job, i hated how my life had been going, i hated people who were happy. what did i have to be sad about? to be honest, i lost someone i put a lot of time and effort into. it wasn't so much that they were gone, it was that my time had been wasted and everything was worth nothing. every experience is a learning experience. what did i learn? what's worth effort and what's worth time. and how much of each to put in.

now, as i write this, i know there are bits and pieces of egoism and arrogance. but there are also bits and pieces of honesty and truth. and better yet, the subtle hints of confidence. i haven't been confident since Vietnam. i'm finding it again. it sparks a whole new everything and it's what's helped me to realize that my potential to be elite is astounding and the parts that i've experienced so far are only a beginning.

I am not finished with my life. I am not finished with my dreams. I am not finished doing what I loved.

so, to my dear friend whose twitter posts always depress me, i want you to know that at the end of the day you'll always have something: a friend in me. because i'm not quite finished trying to help you and i never, ever will be.

goodnight all.