an obsession.

i suddenly realized the other day that i might just be obsessed with love.

when i think of my future, one of the things i always picture is a perfect family. people who know me well understand that my parents divorced really early in my life. and while i do not hold any grudge against my parents, i was without a the stereotypical family for a long time. i lived with my mom and she work extremely hard to make sure we had every single thing we needed. i cannot express my level of gratitude and love for my mom. and i still feel terrible for the times that i was a bad kid. my dad was there in a different way, but nonetheless important. they taught me different things and for them to raise their kids to be who they are in the given situation is nothing short of amazing.

still, i missed out on a lot: family vacations, time spent with each parent, etc. so i feel like i need to have all that when i'm the parent to make for it. which is where i find my obsession. i want to find love so badly so i can not only have that one person i belong with, but also so we can raise a family in the way i didn't get to experience.

i listen to a lot of Ben Folds songs (and will be attending a concert this Saturday) and a few of his songs have messages about love, but in a way that scares me. in "kylie from connecticut," he sings of a woman who is married with kids but will always deeply love someone else. she still has his phone number and letters and pictures and calls him. in "the luckiest," he wonders if two people who are meant to be were born many years apart and live down the street from each other would know they are soul-mates across time. in "from above," two people go throughout their lives for years always missing each other. it's not as if they are unhappy, they just feel as if something is wrong.

anyone of these situations would completely devastate me. but it's not like i would know they were happening. i fear that the love i want won't happen. i fear that the whole situation will be out of my control. i fear that i will make a mistake and ruin everything.

someone brought up an interesting point to me the other day: maybe things work if you do them the right way. and as obvious as that sounds, i do know that people tend to be impatient people and want things a lot faster than they are sometimes allowed. maybe that's my lesson in all of this. taking the correct steps will lead me to the love i want. i have tried so many other ways to be happy and maybe it just depends on the steps you take. maybe that's the way a lot of things work...

goodnight, world.