[500] days of nothing.

this post may be happy. it may not. i'm up in the air about it right now.

first, just so everyone knows, Purdue is still wonderful. it is not that the campus has changed in any way. i still see the same things i once loved, but i suppose i just see them differently. my first and foremost priority here at school is to get an education (which is why i didn't choose IU). but there were other reasons i wanted to come back. i missed friends and i missed my organization. it just seems now i have neither of those things to look forward to. sure, i'm in Rocky Horror again, but there's only so much that wobbling around in platform heels can do to make a person feel fulfilled.

i supposed fulfilled is the word du jour. i don't feel like anything i have is enough for me. i have few friends here. true ones, that is. and now come to think of it, i don't know if i even have a best friend (strike that, i do. my brother is my best friend. but he isn't exactly here). i used to see people every day and kept up with their lives and they kept up with mine. they worried when i didn't show up to class when i usually do and all of that. but i can honestly sit through most of my classes and not say a word. who am i to talk to? the empty seat next to me? the girl who hates me because i told her Green Bay was gonna trash New England when they play?

i choose the title of this blog in particular because of my incredible lack of a girlfriend. again, i understand the silliness of such thoughts, but come on, even super-independent adults think about what it would be like to have someone. and i wonder too. i don't envy couple i see for having happiness. which i think is a big difference between me and other hopeless romantic individuals. i'm glad they have happiness because most of them probably deserve it. they work hard at being wonderful, attractive, friendly people (of course, sometimes they are definitely not any of these things and still manage, but that's a select few). so i don't exactly have the bitterness a lot of single people have. i don't like i'm entitled to a relationship because everyone has one. that's childish thought. i do think that i present myself in a way that should warrant a relationship. sure, we can't all be my brother, but we must play the cards we are dealt. i see relationships as happiness and happiness is something i struggle with a lot. i wish i meant more to people.

i fear i may be entirely too judgmental of my friends. they are flawed, true. but so am i. they accept me but i sort of try to change them? i don't know if that's the best wording. i do try to make them better people. i want them to be optimistic and morally sound and caring and overly considerate. a lot of them are this way, i suppose. i also know that i could change a few things about myself, too. but it's a whole lot easier taking someone else's constructive criticism than your own.

well, that's kind of all i got right now. which is a lot of what's been bugging me lately and such. and even though a lot of this is me complaining that i don't have certain things, i do recognize the things i have. and these people i keep in contact with and they know i would do anything for them.

bon nuit.