i'm not quite finished.

i've been back at good ol' Purdue for three days.

and i already have a new motto: "I'm not quite finished."

four simple words full of meaning that i have taken to represent my life. what happens when one cookie isn't quite satisfying? you get another. what happens when you do something that makes you happy? you keep doing it. what happens when life beats you down to pure depression? you tell life where to stick it.

the purpose of this motto, this goal is to remind me of not only how i need to view hardships, but also how i need to view blessings. i spent a good portion of my summer not necessarily happy. i missed people and i wanted people to miss me. it wasn't until school was only two weeks away that i finally started to realize that i have so much more left. more life, more experiences, more happiness. things didn't go my way. i'm not gonna act like a two year old and mope because i lost something. if i wasn't able to have it, then it probably wasn't worth having. there's always a bigger fish, there's always something better.

as i was visiting a friend on my first night back, we talked about the experiences in which i have put my personal feelings aside to help people. especially when it comes to a dating situation. she praised my ability to do so and said she would have a hard time doing that herself. and that lead me to thinking...why do i do that? it's not beneficial for me. oh wait. that's right. i care about helping people. i'm damn good at it. i'm trustworthy and i've been through so much that i know what is important and i'm sincere. i'm not finished helping people. i'm going to make a life out of it and that's what makes me happy.

at the ripe age of 19 years and 5 months, i had developed a sense of bitterness that someone shouldn't have at that age. i hated my job, i hated how my life had been going, i hated people who were happy. what did i have to be sad about? to be honest, i lost someone i put a lot of time and effort into. it wasn't so much that they were gone, it was that my time had been wasted and everything was worth nothing. every experience is a learning experience. what did i learn? what's worth effort and what's worth time. and how much of each to put in.

now, as i write this, i know there are bits and pieces of egoism and arrogance. but there are also bits and pieces of honesty and truth. and better yet, the subtle hints of confidence. i haven't been confident since Vietnam. i'm finding it again. it sparks a whole new everything and it's what's helped me to realize that my potential to be elite is astounding and the parts that i've experienced so far are only a beginning.

I am not finished with my life. I am not finished with my dreams. I am not finished doing what I loved.

so, to my dear friend whose twitter posts always depress me, i want you to know that at the end of the day you'll always have something: a friend in me. because i'm not quite finished trying to help you and i never, ever will be.

goodnight all.